An Accidental Gardener - An Anecdote For Aspiring Writers

I would like to apologise for the long post in advance, please stick with me, I do have a point, I promise ;)

I want to start by telling you my experience of gardening. I think it's safe to say that during the Covid-19 pandemic, there have been times when we've all found ourselves with a little extra free time that we would have normally taken up with work, shopping, socialising or school runs but that now, we have felt at a loss as to how to fill these small yet significant voids.

In my experience and from things I have seen online and via social media, 2020 has been a year of innovation, creativity and remodelling for everyone the world over. Homes have become offices and schools; kitchens have become bakeries and gardens have become the new parks and fresh-aired sanctuaries. 

And what better way to enjoy your limited outside space and time than to spruce up those flower beds, grow some greens and generally create a safe, comfortable little oasis away from the home office, away from the never-changing scenery and away from the ever-changing, confusing restrictions.

Well, this was my thinking anyway when I clicked checkout on Amazon after putting packets of mixed flower seeds and mineral-infused compost in my basket because obviously, lockdown had suddenly turned me into Charlie Dimmock!

So, the very next day, (thank you Amazon Prime!) I donned my gardening gloves, pulled out the neglected potting trays and got to work creating what I’d imagined would be the start of my Italian-inspired garden, overflowing with mature bougainvillea, brightly coloured with geraniums and lightly scented with lavender, however, my dream was not to be. 

I planted the seeds lovingly and placed the trays in a temporary greenhouse until the seedlings would be strong enough to survive the hostile environment of the flowerbeds. I followed the instructions, keeping them moist and giving them direct sunlight whist protecting their vulnerable little lives from the elements. 

Within a week, tiny green shoots carpeted the pots and my Italian dream came one step closer to fruition. Spring had sprung and the ever-improving weather lent the perfect conditions to boost the growth and vitality of my new outside happy place. 

Now, I don't think I've mentioned yet that I live in England, and therein lies the death of my Mediterranean sanctum.

The plants continued to grow healthy and strong and they even began to bud. I've never been a keen or successful gardener and so my delight with their progress was palpable. As is typical in England, days of sunshine and pleasant temperatures were interrupted by winds and rain. I decided that it was best to leave my young plants within the protection of their temporary home, after all, they need certain conditions in order to thrive and I needed them to thrive!

I awoke one morning after a particularly windy night and went to the garden to do my rounds. The sadness I felt at the sight that greeted me brought tears to my eyes.

Scattered across the floor were all my plants and empty potting trays. The greenhouse lay desolate across the slabs, it’s job as a protector and insulator aborted. It had failed. I had failed. Weeks of care and preparation wasted, my Italian utopia destroyed. 

I contemplated giving up, sweeping the remnants of my short-lived success into the garden bin but part of me just couldn't do it. I just couldn't take that away from the life that had already began, the work and effort and care that I'd invested, the happiness and pride I’d felt when it was all going right. I couldn't just throw it all away and give up and pretend that I was unaffected by it. 

My dream wasn't forgotten and I wasn’t prepared to abandon all hope at the first sign of difficulty. 

Not even bothering with the gloves, I got to work straight away upending the trays and gently scooping the plants into pots. Many of them were broken, many had soil-less roots and many were missing, completely scattered and never to be seen again. The end result was a sorry looking state of disfigured stems taking up half the space that they used to. I swept up the remaining debris and hoped for the best. 

I was downhearted and downtrodden but I comforted myself in the knowledge that the funny thing about living things is that they're extremely adaptable. Life takes all shapes and sizes and even when life is difficult, it's also amenable. 

I gave the plants the TLC they deserved and crossed my fingers. The days and weeks that followed saw about half the remaining plants overcome their trauma and the other half succumb to the easiest option of wilting away. 

Now with only a quarter of my original crop, I decided that it was time to put them in their new forever home. They had already faced so much difficulty that I figured replanting them couldn't cause any more harm. The weather remained unpredictable with equal measures of sunshine and rain and so I decided to let nature do what it does best.

As the lockdown eased and a semblance of normality began to return, my green-fingered time became less and less. I had done my best, I had provided optimum conditions, I had tried to salvage the wreck of the storm and I had followed the instructions to the letter. Now all I could do was wait. I watched as the plants struggled against the upheaval, struggled against the elements and even struggled against each other, fighting for space, sunshine and survival. Many of them won, it wasn't so much a case of survival of the fittest, as a survival of the most determined. I watched as they grew and flowered but I couldn't help feeling that they would have been much bigger and stronger than they were, had they not been tossed around by the wind. 

My investment in the plants began to wane. I had done all I could but I hadn't succeeded. How quickly things had gone south from big dreams and excitement to dejection and disinterest. What was the point in trying to be a gardener when I didn't have any experience? Why Invest in a dream that could so easily be demolished? Why use so much of my time creating the ideal conditions and caring about something only for it to end up being wasted? 

This is why...

Today I went out to mow the lawn only to be greeted by this. A bushy, blooming, thriving Sweet Alyssum plant that had grown between the cracks of the slabs. But not only that, several plants had shot up around the patio area in cracks and crevices blooming white, purple and orange flowers. Around the concrete slabs!

Now let me explain that these gaps are very thin, the slabs are laid on a bed of sand and the patio area doesn't receive an awful lot of sunlight through the day. The recent weather has also been more autumnal than summery and without any help, without any extra care and without any protection from the elements, these plants are the most successful of the lot! I succeeded! I didn't achieve what I set out to achieve nor did I achieve it the way I thought I would but nevertheless, I have a patio half-covered in bright, bushy plants. 

Granted, it’s not ideal to have to tiptoe over the patio whenever I want to go to the garden but the sight of these stubborn little flowers make me smile every single time, I see them and they remind me of the strength of overcoming adversity.

Okay, it wasn't quite like this, however...

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to create the perfect conditions, all you needed to do was use your current conditions to your advantage. They remind me never to give up at the first hurdle and not to get disheartened by failure because through failure, triumph can prevail. They show me that no matter what the foundation, nothing can grow if you never plant the seeds and they teach me that however small the probability, however overwhelming the task seems, there's space for everything to exist in its own way. On its own, surrounded by others, fighting through overcrowding, there is room for everything and everything deserves its chance to try and succeed in an unpredictable world, in an environment of it’s own. It’s not always easy, it's not always sheltered and it will always be subjected to external forces but it will always be a symbol of strength, of dedication, of vulnerability and of you. 

So if you're that writer who struggles to believe in their own contributions, if your that author who feels vulnerable putting their work out there, if you’re that poet who let's negative feedback constrict your growth, please, please, please, remember this story, remember the growth that comes from adversity and remember that your place in the writing world is just as valid, just as important and just as viable as anyone else's. And most importantly, remember that even creating the perfect environment won't guarantee success. What guarantees success is taking what you have already and making it work for you. 

World Wide Wangle

The world at the hands of technology. 

In a time when social media is a significant part of life and everyone is affected by it in some way, I want to quickly touch on something that I've been noticing lately.

We are all familiar with hashtags, news feeds, pages, walls, trending, tweets, snaps, memes etc. but are we all conscious of just how influenced we can be by these small blocks of multiplied wisdom?!

I am the first to admit that I'm addicted to hashtags and that I'm reasonably active on Instagram (that's a rinsta, not a finsta) and I will browse, post and like quotes and memes happily every single day.  But then during one of my evening scroll-throughs, I came across something that made me think.  I will try to describe it to you.

Imagine, a typical winner's podium with positions 1,2 and 3.  Position one is the highest, position 2 on the right is slightly lower and position 3 on the left, slightly lower again.  Now, we are looking at the podium from behind.  On the podium are the 3 winning competitors, along the ground at each side are the other competitors that didn't make the top 3.  From our angle, it looks as though the ground and podium are made up of stacks of blocks each naming a characteristic or personality trait of the person standing on it.  Words like faith, commitment, training, dedication and determination make up the blocks beneath each competitor.  As the level rises for 3rd place, the world drive appears under their feet.  As it rises again for 2nd place, the word focus appears. Finally, as it rises for 1st place, the word belief sits directly under the feet of the winner.  So now we can see the things we need to be standing in one of those positions, and we can see what defines the medallists from the runner's up.

Now, bear with me, as I continue to scroll, I came across another result orientated picture.  It said,  ‘no one cares about the journey'.  In the picture was a large group of rabbits running a race.  You can see the sweat and effort and determination etched into their faces.  Slightly ahead and in the centre of the picture is another rabbit on what seemed to be a motorised skateboard clearly about to win much to the dismay, anger and jealousy of the runner's.

So now I began to think.  I had liked the first picture, I believe that all of the competitors had built themselves up to their positions with the words listed beneath them.  I also believe that it take something a little extra to push you to the top so I agree that the winners were giving something extra to their fight for first place.  Their positions on the podium were direct results of the hard work and effort that they had put into their training and I believe that it's important to show that and for people to realise that skill and talent alone are never going to be enough.

I was about to like the second picture because I am a strong believer that working smarter can be more conducive than working harder in most cases when I read the caption saying that no one cares about the journey.  Is that right?  As people do we only care about the results and not what's gone into it?  Is it ok for people to cheat or win on a technicality or by default?  Do we prefer to hear about glory than the endurance, progress and learning of life's journeys? And if we do, is that ok?

I believe that you can't achieve the results you want without a long, arduous and tormented journey, because I believe that you need to fail, you need to experience ups and downs, you need to trouble-shoot in order to grow, progress, develop and fully understand the concept, idea and position that you're trying to gain.  If you just skate straight through, surely you've missed the learning curve that you need to be mentally and emotionally ready to stand on that winners podium and to be more than just a one-trick pony?!

Or maybe I'm just over-thinking it, maybe smarter is more impressive due to its minimal investment so therefore the gain is greater.  Or could it be that both are equally as important and necessary as each other in their own right?!
And then as I sit here contemplating the dilemma, genuinely trying to choose a side of the argument that I can fully commit to, I realise that I've been manipulated by social media.  I've been distracted, fed-to and even consumed by these tiny depictions of other people's opinions.  I've been so lost in their thoughts that I forgot that I have thoughts of my own, that I don't need to pick one side over the other, that these polaroid-sized thoughts will have taken minutes to create so that they can be posted on a platform that took years to build. The irony of it!

What I've learned, is that as people we are so easily influenced that sometimes we don't even realise that our consciousness picks up things that we don't even mean to, things that aren't important in the real world, things that drive us to distraction unnecessarily and manipulate us to picking sides unwillingly.

What I've also learned is that for every opinion, thought, quote, meme that's posted, there will be another one saying the exact opposite.  They will both be as appealing, both as decorative and well worded but they will both be as relevant or irrelevant as you allow them to be.  Your journey is your own, your thoughts, opinions and feelings are your own.  You should never feel ‘behind' because your favourite celebrity, coach, pastor has quoted about their progress.  It was never a race and it was never mapped out perfectly.

We need to start believing in our own journeys, focusing on our own advice, drawing our own maps, creating our own memes because as much as advice from others that have already lived the journey or won the race can be helpful, ultimately, their path isn't ours, their outcome isn't ours and their journey isn't ours.

So whatever you do, do it for you, do it the best you know how, do it wholeheartedly and do it with an open mind because this post, those memes, that Instagram have just taken me off my journey, blocked my way and wasted my time.  They were the Sirens and my ship sailed willingly to their calls, veering right off the course I was on.

Instagram – 1, Me – 0...for now!

But, hey, what do I know?! I'm just one of those people on the internet with opinions that I've just been telling you to ignore.  We're all just going in circles, pushed from pillar-to-post by servers, websites and programs looking for a way out of our giant hamster balls.

Love me or leave me.

Is it the illness that's invisible,
Or is it just me?
‘cause I swear you only see
What you want to see.
Is it the pain that is chronic,
Or simply my existence?
‘cause you act like I'm offensive
With my chronic persistence.
Is it the rebellious cells
That cause you such grief?
Or my wounded eyes
At your lack of belief?
Perhaps it's the pills,
The aids or the prayers?
That draw your conclusions,
your whispers and stares.
Or maybe my appearance,
so rare and strained?
That causes your gossip,
Malicious, unrestrained.
Could it really be
My unwashed hair,
That permits you to judge me
Without a care?
My many appointments,
Therapy and treatment,
Wasting the country's resources
That you see as bereavement.
Or perhaps it's just me,
Simple and plain.
‘cause I'm sure you wouldn't judge me,
Without knowing my pain.
I'm sure you wouldn't be,
So mindlessly mean,
To judge me alone,
On what can be seen.
Without any thought,
Research or knowledge,
Just snippets of memories,
From biology in college.
So let's get this straight,
I don't need your acceptance,
Your belief or support,
Your unwelcome repentance.
Neither do I need,
Your grapevine solutions,
Third-hand anecdotes         

Ignorant contributions.
What I need is to be,
What I need to be.
‘cause for you,
I have no energy.

LIVING ON THE EDGE.

Spoonies!  I don't really get the metaphor.  I understand the point and the concept but for me personally, I just don't get it.  The Spoon Theory, an essay written by Christine Miserandino in 2003, visualises the energy used by people with chronic illnesses by equating daily tasks with a number of spoons.  You start the day with a certain number of spoons and then if you run out of them, you just have to wait until your stock is replenished.  Like I said, I just don't get it.

Here is the link for more information for those of you who want to read more about the theory.

https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

I'm a spoonie!  Not only do I have a chronic illness, but it's also an invisible illness.  That means that people can look at me without realising that anything is even wrong and they do!  People may not realise it, but they judge and make assumptions about people even if they don't realise it.  Let me explain, if you're sitting on a bus and an elderly person gets on or a pregnant lady or a person with visual aids i.e. walking sticks; crutches; blind cane; assistant dog etc., then there's a good chance that you would offer that person your seat but if I get on a bus, walking unaided with no visual disability then you make the assumption that I'm perfectly fine.  You jump to the conclusion that I don't need/deserve any additional assistance.  You pre-judge my health and conclude that my body isn't attacking itself from the inside out, that I don't suffer symptoms from my head to my toes due to either one of my several autoimmune diseases or the equally-as-difficult medication that I have to take to try and control it.

I'm constantly on the edge, I don't fit the classifications to be disabled yet I have a disability.  I look normal on the outside while my inside self-destructs, I'm capable of working but I'm not able to do certain jobs/tasks but most of all, I'm constantly on the edge of an emotional outburst due to thoughtless, inconsiderate and judgemental people.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't expect anyone to be psychic and I don't go around sporting a neon ‘spoonie' badge but I just get frustrated with how little understood chronic/invisible illnesses are and how difficult they are to live with.  I mean, how many of you have ever tried using a disabled toilet when you're unaided? The looks, stares and judgements I get is like I've just asked for their firstborn child!

And if the diseases aren't bad enough, the medication is surely the work of some deranged professor with a twisted personality!  Chemo drugs, abortion pills, steroids, biologics (be careful they may cause cancer!) And a whole host of other man-made evilness each with their own anti-side-effect side kick!

I'm frustrated!  I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired!  I'm annoyed with drugging myself with God-knows-what to be able to function even remotely normally.  And I know, I'm lucky that as yet my illnesses are progressing slowly and are 70% under control most of the time but at the back of my head, I'm always waiting.  Waiting for a flare, waiting for the day when my body rebels, when the medication stops working, waiting for a new disease to mutate from the existing ones.

I can't plan, I can't relax, I can't anticipate because I live on the edge – of knowing and not knowing, of living and existing, of ok and bedridden and I hate that.  I hate the power and control that my body has over me and I hate not knowing what tomorrow will bring and when the day will come when my diseases control me and not the other way round.

Breathing words.

In a world full of chaos, confusion and uncertainty, there is nothing like the sharp, definitive blackness of comic sans to bring me into focus (other fonts are available ;) ).  I have always had a soft spot for words, vocabulary and expression via the written word but that soft spot has slowly and uncontrollably snowballed into a need, a desire, a passion!

Whenever I sit and think about where my life is heading - and at the tender age of 34 I still haven't discovered where that is - I become so overwhelmed with words and thoughts that it's impossible for me to ignore or dismiss.  They are there, like it or not, bubbling over in my brain, breeding and multiplying like the proverbial rabbit, my hand subconsciously itching to expel them onto whatever medium is available.  It's a need!  Not a choice but a tsunami of vocabulary spilling forth onto paper or screen or a napkin I have to hand.  And as much as I enjoy these creative eruptions, it's the profound sense of peace, clarity and organisation that follows which truly shows me that this passion is a gift, a natural birth right, a DNA sourced gene that is a building block of who, and what, I am.

Isaac Asimov has been quoted as saying, "Writing, to me, is simply thinking through my fingers", and I agree with this wholeheartedly, as well as Wordsworth's quote instructing, "Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart".  Is there any truer concept for a writer than that their writing is borne of an unstoppable binding of heart, mind and soul that simply has to be expelled?

And how do I hone this passion?  How can I perfect and indulge and feed this God-given part of me?  By consuming the very thing I want to produce.  Surrounding myself with the work of those who learned before me and those that learn alongside me. By absorbing the written word in as many forms as possible and by letting the passion of others always be a fuel to my fire. I just have to remember to always stoke the flames.  :)

"Throughout human history, our greatest leaders and thinkers have used the power of words to transform our emotions, to enlist us in their causes, and to shape the course of destiny. Words can not only create emotions, they create actions. And from our actions flow the results of our lives".

Tony Robbins

Is there any worthier passion, than a passion with the power to change the world?

Make Or Break.

Inspiration is everywhere.   In every breath - from the wonders of the intricacies of the human body at work - to the unexplainable workings of the little known universe.   As humans, we stand on a spinning rock, in the midst of mostly undiscovered nothingness, creating life from the most microscopic of cells, while searching for more than the invisible gas that sustains our very existence.

We time ourselves by a burning ball of gas that we magically orbit while relying on a distant rock that magically orbits us.  Do we need more inspiration than that?  Than our very own existence and life?  It appears so, because for all the wondrous, unexplainable occurrences that give and sustain our lives, we always want more.

For me personally, inspiration comes in the form of successes and failures.   Personal successes show me that I can achieve things given the right set of circumstances.  They inspire me to create those circumstances in order to achieve greater things more often.

The success of others shows me that there are no obstacles too big, no worthy excuses, there are no limits except the limits that I set for myself! They inspire me to think bigger, try harder, go further and never be afraid to veer off a used path or think differently.

Success, to me, inspires me to gain perspective, believe in myself and my capabilities and to celebrate achievement no matter how small!

Failure! Eugh, how I hate that word and it's very existence! But unfortunately, failure is part of life and you can either let it defeat and define you or, you can let it build and strengthen you!

Failure is my greatest inspiration because it teaches me that I can't quit. That giving up isn't an option because my failure has already lead me closer to my success.  That the journey to achievement is equally as important as the achievement itself.  I learn so much about myself from my failures that I know I couldn't ever have succeeded without those lessons first.

Failures remind me that I'm human and that anything worth having is worth striving and fighting for but more importantly, they remind me that I'm already more successful than those that never even tried!

FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

If you're going out to eat but you don't like the menu options, do you still go there to eat anyway or do you decide to find something better/ more suitable for you to enjoy your evening? If you do decide to eat there anyway, if you are unhappy with the food, quality or service, do you ignore it and continue to waste your time and money on something so unsatisfactory or do you complain and demand replacements, refunds, exchanges? Do you continue to visit the same establishment based on your previous poor experience or do you avoid it and tell your friends to do the same?
Why is it that we seem so much more concerned about minor things such as eating out than we are about our lives? Why will we turn away from a restaurant because we don't like what we see, yet we continue on a path in life that is equally as unappealing? Why do we fight for our rights as a paying customer when we are unhappy with our service/experience yet we don't fight for our own success and happiness and opportunities in life which cost us dearly in time? Why do we always prioritise the small picture when the big picture is the most important? Why does fighting for our future and livelihood seem such an unimportant, overwhelming or impossible task that it takes a back-seat to the minor and insignificant moments that we use as mirages in our arid existences?
Don't get me wrong, the little things and moments are important and meaningful and they can create a wealth of cherished memories and a valuable and enriched life but they need to be interlinked with your life on a larger scale. They need to embellish your life, not create it.
If you don't like the look of your life right now, then don't keep going forward with it, change it. If you're not happy with a situation or position that you're in now,  then fight your way out of it.  You have a right to be happy, a right to success, a right to achieve, a right to want something different, something better and most importantly a right to believe in yourself, want for yourself and try for yourself.  No one will fight for you the way that you can and no one can inspire you if you don't want to be motivated and encouraged.
Stop settling for less than you want, less than you're happy with and less than you deserve. Fight for yourself, fight for your life, fight for your future and fight for your happiness. Love yourself, you deserve it! 😁